How I Express Sadness

The other day I was thinking about how I express deep heartbreak and sadness... Which is that I don't, at least in the way you think is the typical way in which people express sadness. In high school I felt that I would appear weak if I cried in front of people or showed that something was affecting me. 

May 2012, the end of my Junior year of high school, my uncle died of lung cancer. I had come home from school and saw my grandmas car there. I didn't really think it was weird that she was there, but I should have since she hadn't left her house since my uncle was sick because she had to stay with him. I parked my car and started to head into the house. I walk in the kitchen and saw hi and then my family is all there and they tell me he died. I'm pretty sure I just said, "Oh." And then I said I needed to put aloe on my sunburn. I went upstairs to my room and got the aloe. Inside I was breaking. I was choking back tears. My body wanted to cry so bad but I tried my best to hold it in. 

I love my uncle so much. He is the absolute best. I was in my room and had a few tears fall down my check and then I got a tissue, wiped them away and composed myself. I headed back downstairs and was just chatting with my family. I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want it to be real. I'm not sure why I didn't think I could cry. I still don't understand why I kept it all in. If this happened right now, I would have broken right there and cried so hard. 

That night I cried myself to sleep. I cried so hard. The next day at school my best friend hugged me in the morning and told me she was sorry. That hug made me tear up a bit and I had to pull away and say thank you and head to class or I would have broken down right there. Looking back, I regret keeping it together. I feel like I didn't get to grieve because I tried to just push it away. If I didn't think about it or talk about it, It's not real. It didn't happen.