How I Express Sadness

The other day I was thinking about how I express deep heartbreak and sadness... Which is that I don't, at least in the way you think is the typical way in which people express sadness. In high school I felt that I would appear weak if I cried in front of people or showed that something was affecting me. 

May 2012, the end of my Junior year of high school, my uncle died of lung cancer. I had come home from school and saw my grandmas car there. I didn't really think it was weird that she was there, but I should have since she hadn't left her house since my uncle was sick because she had to stay with him. I parked my car and started to head into the house. I walk in the kitchen and saw hi and then my family is all there and they tell me he died. I'm pretty sure I just said, "Oh." And then I said I needed to put aloe on my sunburn. I went upstairs to my room and got the aloe. Inside I was breaking. I was choking back tears. My body wanted to cry so bad but I tried my best to hold it in. 

I love my uncle so much. He is the absolute best. I was in my room and had a few tears fall down my check and then I got a tissue, wiped them away and composed myself. I headed back downstairs and was just chatting with my family. I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want it to be real. I'm not sure why I didn't think I could cry. I still don't understand why I kept it all in. If this happened right now, I would have broken right there and cried so hard. 

That night I cried myself to sleep. I cried so hard. The next day at school my best friend hugged me in the morning and told me she was sorry. That hug made me tear up a bit and I had to pull away and say thank you and head to class or I would have broken down right there. Looking back, I regret keeping it together. I feel like I didn't get to grieve because I tried to just push it away. If I didn't think about it or talk about it, It's not real. It didn't happen. 

Oblivious or Does It Even Matter?

Looking back (it's really not that far back, to about sophomore, maybe even junior year of high school) I feel like I didn't even know that my uncle had a disability. He was just my uncle. Did other people notice? One reason is because I am just oblivious. But with that I feel that the obliviousness is also more that it really didn't matter that he had a disability. I loved him so much that it was insignificant. Anyway, my uncle had Cerebral Palsy or CP. It was more on the lower level of the spectrum though because he could talk and walk and function like most people in society but he did have some muscle problems I believe. Possibly some learning disabilities as well but I don't really know. All I know is that he was my uncle and I will always love him even though he isn't here anymore.

{Heather Kimberly}