How I Express Sadness

The other day I was thinking about how I express deep heartbreak and sadness... Which is that I don't, at least in the way you think is the typical way in which people express sadness. In high school I felt that I would appear weak if I cried in front of people or showed that something was affecting me. 

May 2012, the end of my Junior year of high school, my uncle died of lung cancer. I had come home from school and saw my grandmas car there. I didn't really think it was weird that she was there, but I should have since she hadn't left her house since my uncle was sick because she had to stay with him. I parked my car and started to head into the house. I walk in the kitchen and saw hi and then my family is all there and they tell me he died. I'm pretty sure I just said, "Oh." And then I said I needed to put aloe on my sunburn. I went upstairs to my room and got the aloe. Inside I was breaking. I was choking back tears. My body wanted to cry so bad but I tried my best to hold it in. 

I love my uncle so much. He is the absolute best. I was in my room and had a few tears fall down my check and then I got a tissue, wiped them away and composed myself. I headed back downstairs and was just chatting with my family. I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want it to be real. I'm not sure why I didn't think I could cry. I still don't understand why I kept it all in. If this happened right now, I would have broken right there and cried so hard. 

That night I cried myself to sleep. I cried so hard. The next day at school my best friend hugged me in the morning and told me she was sorry. That hug made me tear up a bit and I had to pull away and say thank you and head to class or I would have broken down right there. Looking back, I regret keeping it together. I feel like I didn't get to grieve because I tried to just push it away. If I didn't think about it or talk about it, It's not real. It didn't happen. 

I'm hurting and I'm alone

I have tried so many times to write about this girl I'm falling in love with and how I feel and how we met. I just can't seem to get it right. I want it to be perfect and I want to explain everything. But I can't. And I hate it. But right now I need to talk about how I'm hurting. 

I'm fAlling apart so bad right now and I'm all alone. I don't have anyone to talk to. Of course I have my family, my siblings, but they won't get it. Know one will understand this empty feeling I have inside. I don't know how to fix it. And I don't even know if there is a reason. That's why it's hard to talk to anyone. Because even I don't understand what is happening to me. 

I wake up just feeling so icky and depressed. Thankfully, lately, the weather has been amazing! And it puts me in a good mood. Everyday I wake up with the hope that today will be a good day and it has been starting out that way lately. But then as the day goes on, it kind of goes down hill. Nothing good happens. I don't get to see the one person I want to see the most. 

Growing up, I had the best group of friends. All the way through high school. Now in college, I haven't had a consistent group of friends. And I don't know how to deal with it. It tore me apart first semester when I was losing everyone and I felt so alone. This semester has been better. I am getting really close with Maranda who I knew from last year but we weren't close. But the only thing I'm worried about is last year I got close with someone and now this year we don't even talk. Stupid stuff happened and now it sucks. So I'm just so worried that I'm going to lose everyone again. 

That's all for now. I can't keep going on about this. This all sucks but I still try to find some sliver of good. It's hard but I can't still smile at when I think of th r good times with this girl and her amazing smile and laugh. I am so sad but one day I won't be, right?