I'm hurting and I'm alone

I have tried so many times to write about this girl I'm falling in love with and how I feel and how we met. I just can't seem to get it right. I want it to be perfect and I want to explain everything. But I can't. And I hate it. But right now I need to talk about how I'm hurting. 

I'm fAlling apart so bad right now and I'm all alone. I don't have anyone to talk to. Of course I have my family, my siblings, but they won't get it. Know one will understand this empty feeling I have inside. I don't know how to fix it. And I don't even know if there is a reason. That's why it's hard to talk to anyone. Because even I don't understand what is happening to me. 

I wake up just feeling so icky and depressed. Thankfully, lately, the weather has been amazing! And it puts me in a good mood. Everyday I wake up with the hope that today will be a good day and it has been starting out that way lately. But then as the day goes on, it kind of goes down hill. Nothing good happens. I don't get to see the one person I want to see the most. 

Growing up, I had the best group of friends. All the way through high school. Now in college, I haven't had a consistent group of friends. And I don't know how to deal with it. It tore me apart first semester when I was losing everyone and I felt so alone. This semester has been better. I am getting really close with Maranda who I knew from last year but we weren't close. But the only thing I'm worried about is last year I got close with someone and now this year we don't even talk. Stupid stuff happened and now it sucks. So I'm just so worried that I'm going to lose everyone again. 

That's all for now. I can't keep going on about this. This all sucks but I still try to find some sliver of good. It's hard but I can't still smile at when I think of th r good times with this girl and her amazing smile and laugh. I am so sad but one day I won't be, right?

Deliberately Left-Out and Disrespect

Do any of you know how it feels to emotionally get stabbed in the heart? I do. Lately it seems it happens everyday. By one person or another. Some times they don't know they do it. Either way my heart has been in pain for a while now.

I'm not sure how people can deliberately leave people out who are suppose to be their friends. I also don't understand how they can be okay with it; morally. I could never purposely put someone though all this pain. Yes, sometimes I can get mad and stressed, I'll say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment. Once I look back, I'll own up to my mistake and apologize. I'm not saying I am anywhere near perfect but I have high standards for myself and for others. I promise myself that I will not allow to be treated with a lack of respect and I will NEVER stay in a relationship where I am treated badly.

It kills me when people stay in unhealthy relationships. I tell myself that I wouldn't stay but I don't know how it feels to be in love with a person but have negative aspects to the relationship. From my position on the outside, I say leave. But what the people in the relationship are going through is different because they have the love.

- Loving Luuna

Where are you

Lately, I have been so excited to come home from college.
I imagine spending lots of time with my sisters and them being just as excited as me to see each other.
I imagine seeing my best friend instantly and never leaving each others sides.
I imagine light and happiness.
Instead I find mopey-ness.
I find dark and quiet.
I don't find my best friend.
I find myself alone.
More alone than at college.
Where is everyone.
I don't want to waste my few days home before I have to go back to college.
Where are you?

Waking UP Way To Early and Missing Humans

I don't mean to sound ungrateful but next semester is going to suck on some level. I finally got hired at the daycare on campus! So excited until I realized I work 7:30-10:30 Monday through Friday every morning. Then I have to go to class. I love kids and I really wanted this job but... EVERY MORNING. I guess I will have to get my homework done right after class so I can sleep and do it all over again. But I am so happy. I promise.

In other news, my friend Austin tends to date constantly. He said this semester he would take it slow, focus on school. And now he turned around and got a girlfriend. Ugh. I mean she lives far away so it's not like she will be here distracting him, but he always moves to fast. Oh well. His decision.

I miss humans. At school I live with my friends so I see them all the time. At home I just don't make the effort and neither do my friends over all. The one person I REALLY want to hang out with always never contacts me and I'm done being the first one all the time. So I basically sit at home and Lily's boyfriend is always here so (it sounds lame, I know) I hang with them. Obviously they do things separate but sometimes I am with them.

{ LovingLuuna }