Amazing Moments Happening

Currently I have something in my life I have always dreamed of happening in this way and it is actually a real thing and happening to me! My ideal way of "dating" someone would to just start of chill, hang out, gradually kiss and such and just see where it goes. At a certain point me and the person will kind of talk about how things are going and the label we want to apply up until this point we are just friends feeling each other out and seeing how we feel.

Sooooo what's happening in real life is basically that. I meet this person on an app and we chatted a bit and then come to find out they are in one of my classes. So at this point we have only seen each other in class but haven't talked in person. Now this is about 2 months in to the semester, and we meet on the app at the being of the semester, and we would only text once in a while if I had questions about homework but we didn't talk beyond that.

Then about 2 weeks ago I had texted this person and we were just chatting and then they just asked what my intentions were. They didn't want to waste their time on any bullshit relationships or anything. I just said after our chats it seems like we could be good friends. So we continued to chat and our conversations really flowed and I was surprised. We have class twice a week and I still didn't talk to them then that week in class. I would want to but I just had  no idea what to say!

April 23, we had class and I didn't talk to them! Ugh I am so lame. After class I texted them and we chatted back and forth and then they said to come hang in their room and they would show me some of the music they like since we talked about showing each other that. So I was freaking out on the inside because I was afraid of any awkwardness but I agreed and went up to their room in the dorms.

We talked for 5 hours that night. 5 hours! I still can't believe it. And it wasn't all surface stuff. It was real stuff. As I left, we hugged no big deal and I had to go home for the weekend. That weekend we texted just a little and it was chill. But honestly I missed them. I really enjoyed talking to them.

Sunday, April 26, we were texting and I was saying how I hope to see them before class on Tuesday. So we ended up hanging out Monday night and watched Ghost Adventures which at first I was like.... Umm, this is different. But it is actually an alright show. For the first episode, we were each sitting on different ends of the bed. Into the second episode I laid down because my back was hurting. Some how we ended up laying next to each other and then we were cuddling and just being close to each other. They then had said it's bad how much they wanted to kiss me. So some how later in the night we kissed. And kept kissing. And somehow I ended up staying the night. I had absolutely no intention of sleeping over. We fell asleep around 6 am... opps!

Since then we have hung out everyday. It's crazy! in a good way. We've slept together the past 4 nights now. I never meant for this to happen. i seriously went into this wanting a friendship and now is this amazing friendship but we kind of like each other as more? and we kiss and care about each other.

The thing that baffles me the most is that all of this has happened in a week and a half since we hung out in person for the first time. How does this happen?

How I Express Sadness

The other day I was thinking about how I express deep heartbreak and sadness... Which is that I don't, at least in the way you think is the typical way in which people express sadness. In high school I felt that I would appear weak if I cried in front of people or showed that something was affecting me. 

May 2012, the end of my Junior year of high school, my uncle died of lung cancer. I had come home from school and saw my grandmas car there. I didn't really think it was weird that she was there, but I should have since she hadn't left her house since my uncle was sick because she had to stay with him. I parked my car and started to head into the house. I walk in the kitchen and saw hi and then my family is all there and they tell me he died. I'm pretty sure I just said, "Oh." And then I said I needed to put aloe on my sunburn. I went upstairs to my room and got the aloe. Inside I was breaking. I was choking back tears. My body wanted to cry so bad but I tried my best to hold it in. 

I love my uncle so much. He is the absolute best. I was in my room and had a few tears fall down my check and then I got a tissue, wiped them away and composed myself. I headed back downstairs and was just chatting with my family. I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want it to be real. I'm not sure why I didn't think I could cry. I still don't understand why I kept it all in. If this happened right now, I would have broken right there and cried so hard. 

That night I cried myself to sleep. I cried so hard. The next day at school my best friend hugged me in the morning and told me she was sorry. That hug made me tear up a bit and I had to pull away and say thank you and head to class or I would have broken down right there. Looking back, I regret keeping it together. I feel like I didn't get to grieve because I tried to just push it away. If I didn't think about it or talk about it, It's not real. It didn't happen. 

I'm hurting and I'm alone

I have tried so many times to write about this girl I'm falling in love with and how I feel and how we met. I just can't seem to get it right. I want it to be perfect and I want to explain everything. But I can't. And I hate it. But right now I need to talk about how I'm hurting. 

I'm fAlling apart so bad right now and I'm all alone. I don't have anyone to talk to. Of course I have my family, my siblings, but they won't get it. Know one will understand this empty feeling I have inside. I don't know how to fix it. And I don't even know if there is a reason. That's why it's hard to talk to anyone. Because even I don't understand what is happening to me. 

I wake up just feeling so icky and depressed. Thankfully, lately, the weather has been amazing! And it puts me in a good mood. Everyday I wake up with the hope that today will be a good day and it has been starting out that way lately. But then as the day goes on, it kind of goes down hill. Nothing good happens. I don't get to see the one person I want to see the most. 

Growing up, I had the best group of friends. All the way through high school. Now in college, I haven't had a consistent group of friends. And I don't know how to deal with it. It tore me apart first semester when I was losing everyone and I felt so alone. This semester has been better. I am getting really close with Maranda who I knew from last year but we weren't close. But the only thing I'm worried about is last year I got close with someone and now this year we don't even talk. Stupid stuff happened and now it sucks. So I'm just so worried that I'm going to lose everyone again. 

That's all for now. I can't keep going on about this. This all sucks but I still try to find some sliver of good. It's hard but I can't still smile at when I think of th r good times with this girl and her amazing smile and laugh. I am so sad but one day I won't be, right?